Response to US Air Force Pilot complaints

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Squawk: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Reply: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Squawk: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Reply: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Squawk #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Reply #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Squawk #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Squawk: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Squawk: "Something loose in cockpit."
Reply: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Squawk: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Reply: "Evidence removed."

Squawk: "Number three engine missing."
Reply: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Squawk: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Reply: "Volume set to more believable level."

Squawk: Dead bugs on windshield.
Reply: Live bugs on order.

Squawk: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Reply: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Squawk: IFF inoperative.
Reply: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Squawk: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Reply: That's what they're there for.

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